Don't Pee on the Bee

Daddy's vagina

In honor of my being away at a writer's retreat, I am reblogging some of my favorite old posts.  This one I think I will love until the day I die!  By the way, Hybrid Mom magazine is no longer in print, but they do have a website still.

From October 13, 2009

Wait!  Don't worry!  This is NOT too much information about my family!!!  But I DID embarrass myself at the doctor's office today when I burst out laughing at something I read in the Fall 2009 issue of Hybrid Mom magazine!

I've blogged before (A little gross out!) about  a couple of comedians (literally!), Tom and Cynthia Papa.  Their articles are one of the things I like the most about Hybrid Mom.

In this issue, they both discuss the things that they are hearing themselves say to their children, things that they never thought they would be saying--kind of like me with "Don't pee on the bee!"  But Cynthia Papa wins hands down with the best of the best!  Cynthia tells it like this:

"One day my girls saw my husband changing his clothes through the slightly opened bedroom door.  They came running to me in horror asking, "What's wrong with Daddy's vagina?"  I answered in the most logical way that I knew how so as to avoid any awkward conversation.  I said, "There is nothing wrong with your father's vagina."  And left the room. "

 Hope everything is looking OK in YOUR world!

R.I.P TV season

In my mind, this is a blog primarily about magazines and interesting articles, ideas and things.  I throw in a kid story or two here and there.  Today, however, I just feel compelled to talk a bit about TV.  Why?  Well most of the shows I watch either ended last week or are ending this week.  Why do they all have to end at once?  (Imagine me with my hand thrown up at my forehead, swooning slightly backwards as I say this.)

I will embarrass and humiliate myself if I list a few particular shows that I used to watch.  (A little American Idol, anyone?)  Far too many really lame sitcoms--although they did provide a bit of respite most nights!  Luckily for me, a few of those sitcoms are not going to be renewed next year, so I'm already on the weaning bandwagon!  And I definitely will not watch American Idol next year.  No Simon?  No me.  (I had a secret crush on his mean, good looks!)

Did anyone catch Parenthood?  It started right after the Olympics ended and was advertised hardcore during the coverage.  The first two times I watched it, I was so uptight when it ended.  Too real, I thought.  Definitely real-life family drama.  But what I liked about it was that the characters lived in Berkeley, and so they would talk about and some times show places from my childhood.  I almost stopped watching Parenthood because I thought it was too intense, and then suddenly I found myself absolutely loving it, drama and all.  Then I read a blog post called Where Have All the Good TV Moms Gone?  A couple of people commented on the moms from Parenthood.  One is a lawyer whose husband is a SAHD.  Another mother is parenting a teenager daughter and a young son, recently diagnosed with Asperger's.  The other is a single mom who just moved back in with her parents with her two teenagers.  And then, of course, there is the matriarch.  And so, of course, now Parenthood is gone too for the time being.  Boo hoo.  

But there is one high point in all my TV drama, and I've posted about it before.  Check out Drop Dead Diva on Sunday nights on Lifetime!  Super clean.  Super funny.  About a gorgeous young model who dies and comes back to life in a "larger" lawyer body and has to make the most of her life.  It's kind of quirky, a bit like Ally McBeal.  It's just a really fun show.  Season 2 just started this Sunday, so at least I have something to look forward to on Sunday nights!  You can check out a preview of Season 2 here.

I'm expecting to have a lot more reading time!  So back to magazines and books--and blogging!

Daddy's vagina

Wait!  Don't worry!  This is NOT too much information about my family!!!  But I DID embarrass myself at the doctor's office today when I burst out laughing at something I read in the Fall 2009 issue of Hybrid Mom magazine!

I've blogged before (A little gross out!) about  a couple of comedians (literally!), Tom and Cynthia Papa.  Their articles are one of the things I like the most about Hybrid Mom. 
In this issue, they both discuss the things that they are hearing themselves say to their children, things that they never thought they would be saying--kind of like me with "Don't pee on the bee!"  But Cynthia Papa wins hands down with the best of the best!  Cynthia tells it like this:

"One day my girls saw my husband changing his clothes through the slightly opened bedroom door.  They came running to me in horror asking, "What's wrong with Daddy's vagina?"  I answered in the most logical way that I knew how so as to avoid any awkward conversation.  I said, "There is nothing wrong with your father's vagina."  And left the room. "

 Hope everything is looking OK in YOUR world!

By the way, if you declare yourself a Hybrid Mom, you get instant access to the digital edition of the magazine. 

My addiction: Magazines

So in my first post, I told you flat out that I am a magazine junkie.  Let me show you the evidence now.

The stack on the left is the unread pile.  The stack on the right has been read.  Pages are thoughtfully turned down on articles, ad, ideas that intrigue me or that I want to share. Last night my husband graciously asked if he should carry them out to the recycling for me!  After nearly falling off the couch, I walked his little butt into my office and showed him the Ikea magazine organizers on my bookshelf with every single title of each one of those magazines.  He just said, "Oh." and turned and walked out.  Later on he tried again and nicely asked if I was going to move the stack out of the livingroom and into my office.  I just smiled.

So this afternoon, while both kids are asleep (one having just been hit over the head with a rubber mallet!), I am working on the pile.

I just paged through the Spring edition of Hybrid Mom and laughed out loud as I reread an article by Dena Blizzard. I Love Being a Mom (Just Don't Ask Why)  (When the magazine cover comes up, click on the "Go To Page (blank) in the upper right hand corner and type in 59.  To turn the pages, click on Next.  Click Zoom to make it readable.)  She wittily writes about The Top Misconceptions of Motherhood.

1. We like to hold things.
2. We like kids.
3. We are not bothered by throw up.
4. Moms know things.
5. Moms prefer homemade presents

If any of these ring a bell for you, you should read her article.  The part about feeling like a human  hanger rings a zillion bells for me lately.  And the part about throw up?  I've cleaned up other peoples kids' puke for more than 20 years, and it STILL grosses me out!  For the sake of your child care provider (or anyone who may be taking care of your child for you), PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE NEVER SERVE GRAPE JUICE AND CHEDDAR CHEESE IN THE SAME LUNCH!

And for another funny look at mom's real life, read the short "Coffee Break" article at the bottom of the page.  Let's just say that it has to do with nipples in cyberspace.  I love her final words of wisdom:  Leave your bras on and the texting to pimply faced teenagers, where it belongs.

.

A little gross out!

Let me just start out with "Sorry!"  I just couldn't resist posting this after reading it! 

I'm getting to the Summer edition of another magazine, Hybrid Mom.  It's kind of a weird name, and they just changed their tagline to "Mother your ambitions" from "It's a revolution."  They answer the question "What is a hybrid mom? with this response:  We've evolved into a new generation of moms who embrace their multiple identities.  It's beginning to grow on me.

So this article "Battle the Summer Blahs" is written by Tom and Cynthia Papa who are stand up comedians who have been on practically every late night show there is.  Cynthia has listed several things that she and her husband do with their children in the summer to keep them from driving them bonkers.  This is one suggestion. . .

Let's Look for Snails

When the kids get whiny, I just say, "Let's find a snail friend!", and our afternoon is set.  The kids put them on each other for snail piggy-back rides.  They have slow-motion snail races on paperplate snail running tracks.  Sometimes the magic marker lines get blurred by the snail slime, but that's what the snail referee is for.  They make snail amusement parks with empty spools of thread and plastic spoons..  Let's face it, you haven't experience fun until you see a snail see-saw in action.  My sister tells me that the whole snail activity thing definitely isn't for everyone, but I say thumbs up.

When the snails seems to be done with the fun (you can tell because they foam up when angry), it's dinnertime.  The kids put them in their bug habitat or, as we call it, "The Snail Spa and Resort."  They feed them tomatoes, a favorite.  The snails find them delicious, and children find that the red poo that follows brings the shole snail day to new heights.

***Warning: Do not clean "The Snail Spa and Resort" with disinfecting wipes as this causes mass fatalities in the snail community.  Trust me, you don't want to spend bedtime going over the pleasures of snail heaven.  Take it from someone who knows!

 

Is it the poo?  The warning with asterisks?  I'm not sure, but I just found this hysterical.  And I'm with the sister, no snail play for me!

And for a nicer ending . . .check out these cool salad servers
from www.plumparty.com as seen in Hybrid Mom.