Don't Pee on the Bee

From Elation to Devastation

Poor JJ.  Yesterday his "quad" stopped working in Reverse.   He's basically been driving it non-stop for the past 8 days.  He loved driving up to something, stopping and slamming it into reverse, and then driving away again.  Slamming being the operative word here!  We kept telling him that he needed to be more careful.  Five-year-old boys, though, right? 

So amidst the tears and hysterics and outright begging us to buy him a new one, Mama's heart was breaking too.  Oh my gosh!  What is it going to be like when his heart is really broken by his first love?  I could hardly stand it.  All the while, my "rational" brain is telling me to buck up and get over it!  My "other" brain (whatever that might be!) was trying to figure out how to fix the situation!  Yikes!

There was no trying to talk to him last night about it still being able to go forward.  "No! No! No!," he screamed as we tried to talk to him.  The interesting thing about him is that he definitely does not like to be told more than once that he messed up.  As Dad took his approach with the situation, JJ finally just told him, "Stop telling me!"  Later I told J.R. that I have noticed that more about JJ lately.  He definitely doesn't need to hear about his mistakes more than once.  (Do any of us???)

As we were talking about this, I was thinking about an article that I had just finished reading in the Summer 2010 issue of Brain, Child.  (Have I mentioned that this is my favorite magazine of all time?  Of course I have!)  Anyway, the article was written by a mother whose daughter stutters.  It was really a fascinating essay.   When they finally meet with a speech therapist, she gives them some suggestions to try.  One struck me as a I read it and then struck me even harder through JJ's wails:

Listen to what she says, not how she is saying it.

The author then goes on to say:  This last directive is startling, and I wonder what would happen if I tried to heed it in every interpersonal exchange.  What if, say, I could listen to a friend's relentless stream of self-promotion and instead of hearing him say that he's the greatest, I could hear that he needs affirmation more than his next meal?

With the therapist's advice in mind, I decide to try this for just five minutes a day.  The effect is immediate and profound.  Right away it's less manifest that people are power-hungry and greedy and obnoxious and hostile, and more apparent that the whole world is hurting.

So while JJ's hysterics were edging into annoying, I just kept hugging him and telling him that I knew that he was so sad.  When I woke up, I wondered what the morning was going to bring.  So far, he has been outside for an hour, doing other things, not once mentioning the quad and whether or not it works.  And for the time being, no one in our family is hurting (at least on the outside!).

The "R" Word

This week was Kindergarten Round-up in our area, and JJ and I headed to his new school to check it out.   I've already felt stressed out about it, thinking about letting him go.  Psychologically, I know what to think.  Really, though?  That's a different story.

But I kept thinking about a debate I read this month in the Spring 2010 issue of Brain, Child
magazine:  Should Kindergarten Redshirting Be Banned?  I'll admit that when I first started reading the debate (two different responses from two different writers, both answering the same question), I had no idea what "redshirting" was, but as I started reading, I started to feel a bit uncomfortable!  Why is it called redshirting when you wait a year to send your child to Kindergarten?  It was difficult for me to get through the two positions as I kept coming back to this.  To me, it sounds like a dirty word or something dastardly that a parent is doing.  I still don't get it!

Both of the writers who stated their opinions here had convincing things to say, and naturally, both were pretty adamant in their beliefs.   One common thread mentioned in both sides, though, was the disparity between more affluent families and poorer families and the ability (or not) to keep their children out of Kindergarten for that additional year.  Both also talked about the comparison between children who can be up to 15 months apart in age and how that might not be a good comparison.

Unfortunately, there is no link at the  Brain, Child website to this debate.  I would love for you to be able to read it and chime in.  But I'll quote the last paragraph written by Colette Dedonato, the "yes" response.  She says:

Perhaps the real problem lies in the pressure the American educational system puts on our kids today.  If we lived in Finland, say, our kids would start formal schooling later and wouldn't be expected to learn to read and write so soon.  But we live in a highly competitive country, one that views the win/lose paradigm as a kind of life philosophy.

Any of you teachers want to weigh in on this?

And if you want to read more--with a Nurture Shock bent--check out this Nurture Shock blog post about redshirting.  Interesting--as are the few comments!

Ack! I can't stop myself from reading more . . . tons of articles at education.com including the reason why it is called redshirting.  The term redshirting originally referred to postponing a college athlete's participation in regular season games for one year to give him an extra year of further growth and practice with the team in the hope of improving the player's skills for future seasons.  That doesn't sound so "dastardly" to me!  Seems to make sense.  Hmmmm . . .

And would you like to know the irony in all this?  I just realized that I dressed him in a red shirt today!!!

Got Some Heavy Reading Goin' On!

As strange as it may seem, somehow this new year has given me an incredible amount of reading time these past few days!  And I have jumped in with great zeal!  I've updated my book list to show you what I'm reading, but I'll tell you about it too!

 I was given a copy of Thomas Merton's The Seven Storey Mountain for Christmas and immediately dug in.  It is quite the book--part easy breezy memoir, stories of growing up in the 1930's, traveling and living in Europe and New York, but also rather challenging in some of his discussions about philosophy, literature and religion.  I am finding it so fascinating on so many different levels.  And I think slowly but surely, much like "religion" came to Merton, my faith and beliefs are swirling around me in ways that they haven't been lately.  Twice this week, I have found my way to our local coffee shop and sat down in a most comfortable reading chair and sat and read.  Funny how many people have asked me if I am in a book club when they see what I am reading!  They've been quite surprised when my answer has been "No."

My neighbor loaned me her book, The Well-Trained Mind: A Guide to Classical Education at Home by Susan Wise Bauer and Jessie Wise.  It is a very thick book and seemed a bit overwhelming, even though I was interested in it.  I'm not necessarily thinking of home schooling my kids, but I am super interested in education and how to ensure that my kids get a good one!  Plus I always did want to be a teacher when I was a little girl!  So I peeked into this book to see what I would find, and several chapters later, I was shockingly "into it!"  I will share more about what I am reading in this later. 

Slow Family Living

 
As I mentioned yesterday, courtesy of my Internet provider, I was able to go through a stack of books and magazines on the corner of my desk.  The November 2009 issue of Parents magazine had several pages turned down, so I looked to see what had piqued my interest whenever it was that I read the magazine.  The article entitled Life in the Slow Lane by Doug Most was bent on every page!  (I checked to see if I could link to the article yet, but the website only has up to July on-line.)

The message is really nothing new . . . lots of parents want to slow down their lives and the lives of their children, tips on how to do it, etc.  But what I really loved was the link to the Slow Family Living website, a really beautiful website with numerous suggestions, ideas, e-books, workshops and classes.  (This also reminded me about my post on bumbling.)   Although it might be a bit late now, you can order and download their e-book, Creating YOUR Slow Holiday.  Might need to get that to look at next year!   There is a section about creating your family mission statement which I think is a fabulous idea!  I see that as such a great way to have a conversation (or two or three!) with my husband about this family that we are continually creating!   I also think that one of the best things about this website is that they advertise Brain, Child magazine, truly my most favorite magazine at this time.  I only wish that it came out monthly instead of quarterly! 

For me, in spite of the blogging about Hundred Dollar Holiday, there is something in the air that is really starting to stress me out!  Maybe a few more deep breaths and a little more yoga will help!  Or a few more trips to Slow Family Living!

Self-abnegation

Huh?  Although I could pretty much figure out what the word means (pretty easy to see "self" and "negation!"), it's a word that I wasn't familiar with--well, not in a vocabulary way anyway!  And it was mentioned more than once in the first chapter or so of the book I mentioned yesterday, Ayelet Waldman's book, Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace.

Although I wasn't sure what to expect of the book--was it going to totally rip mothers, or was it going to support mothers?--so far, I'm liking it, but it hasn't rattled my cage yet.  However, the inside cover states that it is a book "guaranteed to stir strong opinions in every woman who reads it."  I have a feeling that as it gets going, this will indeed happen!

Daily life gets in the way of blogging!

I can't believe how hard it is for me to get back in the blogging groove!  I was on such a roll before we left.  Then I had to adjust to being on vacation and blogging when everyone was asleep!  Now I can't seem to get back into the afternoon blog!

So . . . reading . . . haven't gotten much done.  Spent some time reading the new Vanity Fair.  Good stuff, but nothing I wanted to blog about.  Read something in the September/October Spirituality & Health about "The Mindful Diaper Change" that nearly made me crazy!  Wanted to blog about--STILL might blog about it!--just not now.  It won't be nice, and I'm not sure that's where I want to head right now!

Spent 45 minutes yesterday afternoon DEVOURING the Fall 2009 issue of Brain, Child.  This IS the magazine for "thinking mothers" as the byline says!  I've talked about this magazine before, and I will definitely talk about it again!  This one will get you going! 

When it arrived, and I saw "Bad Mother? Shut your mouth" on the cover, I couldn't wait to see what it said!  Mostly because that is how I have been feeling lately, but also because I have on my desk Bad Mother: A Chronicle of Maternal Crimes, Minor Calamities, and Occasional Moments of Grace by Ayelet Waldman.  I have now seen this book written up in 3 different magazines, and I just am so curious to read it!  Maybe that's what I should focus on for the next few days!

More from Brain, Child

In the same issue of Brain, Child  (Summer 2009), Catherine Newman writes a funny essay, Mother May I?  The topic?  Manners.

I love the part where she talks about the different rules that they have at their house.  There are the "home alone" rules which are different from the "guests over" rules.  These are different from the "Grandparents over" rules.  (In our house, it depends on WHICH grandparents are over!)  The grandparent rules are very similar to the "eating at a restaurant" rules.

But the end of the article just makes me laugh! 

I like explaining manners when kindness is the operative goal:  I am inclined to think they are kind of silly when it's not.  And then every now and then there's a gray area--like the cornbread.  "Why is it even gross?"  Here at the dinner table, I'm thinking aloud now, saying Ben's question back to him.  "It's a good question, honey."
"I mean," he says, "it's not gross on your plate.  And then it's just chewed up, which is the same, but chewed."
"That's true," I say, but already a light bulb is illuminating the space above Ben's head.  "I know!" he says. "It's closer to being poop than when it's on your plate!  And the closer it is to being poop, the less polite it is."
This is probably a fairly articulate rendering of another society's basic tenets.  Safe and Kind--and as far from becoming poop as possible.
"Good thinking," I say.
And Ben smiles at me and says, "Thank you."

I can just see Newman's face as she's finishing this conversation with her son.  I feel like it is a look with which I am very familiar--that look that is appreciative of the fact that your child understood the lesson, but you just wish it was a little less gross!

You can check out Catherine Newman's weekly parenting and recipe column "Dalai Mama Dishes" on www.family.com.   She is also an author and a contributing editor at FamilyFun magazine (to which I subscribe) and a regular contributor to O Magazine (another to which I subscribe).