The Sibling Effect (Nurture Shock)

Freud was wrong.  Shakespeare was right.  Why siblings really fight.

Surprisingly, this was the shortest chapter in the book!  Yet my mind is swirling after reading this chapter!   How to organize my thoughts as I blog?  I've got my perspective as a mother with two siblings who are constantly fighting!  My thoughts as an administrator of child care programs for over 20 years!  A Masters Degree holder in Clinical Psychology with an emphasis on Advanced Family Therapy!  An oldest sibling myself!  AND a member of an extended family where, if the 5 siblings didn't go for it at least once or twice during a gathering, there was something seriously wrong!  I guess you'll have to sort it out yourself!

Bronson and Merryman begin the chapter with a discussion about all the studies over the years that have been done on only children, the premise being that only children are somehow different than children with siblings, especially when it comes to positive social skills.  Well, guess what!  Only children are notless skilled than children with siblings.  The question arises:  Could it be that as parents and scientists, we think that those never-ending interactions with sibs are positive, when in fact it could be just the opposite?

Studies show that siblings between the ages of three and seven fight/argue/torture their parents for approximately 10 minutes each hour.  According to one researcher, only about one of every 8 conflicts ends in a positive fashion.  The other seven interactions usually end with the siblings pulling away, usually at the expense of the youngest child. 

Another study watched how 4 year olds treated their siblings as opposed to their friends.  The results showed that the kids made 7x more controlling and negative comments to their siblings than to their friends.  A Scottish researcher believes that because siblings will always be there, there is no real incentive to act as nicely as they do to their friends.  She says, "Sibship is a relationship in which the boundaries of social interaction can be pushed to the limit.  Rage and irritation need not be suppressed, whilst politeness and toleration can be neglected."  (Italics mine!  Ringing any bells for any adult siblings out there???)

Throughout the chapter, the authors cite research done by Dr. Laurie Kramer, Associate Dean at the University of Illinois at Urbana-Champaign.  I would love to meet this woman!  Her work seems very exciting to me!   Dr. Kramer believes that the quality of a sibling relationship is very stable over time.  Generally, whatever tone was established early on in life, tends to remain.  Kramer also believes that if there are good times that outweigh the bad, a good relationship is easier to maintain.  However, siblings who did not get along well early in life often have poor relationships later as well. 

One of the main issues for parents in Kramer's' studies was not that their children fought (we expect it!), but that the siblings didn't seem to care for each other.  She described it as "somewhere between blase ambivalence and annoyance."  (That certainly describes JJ's feelings for Sarah lately!  Last night he asked if we could go on vacation and leave Sarah and her screaming at home!  I was ready to pack my bag and go!)

Some of Kramer's research is a 6 week class entitled "More Fun with Sisters and Brothers" and is less about conflict resolution and more about conflict prevention.  The 6-week session focuses on 4 puppets who arrive from Xandia, an alien country where it rains whenever brothers and sisters fight.  Their land is in danger from flooding, and the aliens are here to work with the children to learn how to have more fun together.  The key aspect is that children are given ideas on how to bridge the age-divide so that the older child is not always bossing around the youngest.    The catchphrase that they are taught is, "See it your way, see it my way."  What is innovative about Kramer's program is that she does not focus on teaching the adults how to do the work but instead focuses on the children.

But now here is something pretty mind-boggling!  Kramer has also done research on children's books as possible factors contributing to children learning negative sibling behaviors.  In a study where books were being used as a tool (in the hopes that positive sibling behaviors would increase), they actually began to decrease, and parents in the study complained!  Kramer then analyzed 261 common children's books that involved sibling relationships.  She scored and rated the books as she would if she were observing real siblings and found that, although 260 of the books had a "happy ending," there were as many negative behaviors as positive, thus giving children new ways of tormenting their siblings!

There have been numerous studies done asking siblings why they fight, and although contemporary psychology believes it is due to the struggle for parental affection, parental affection actually ranked last in one study!   Nearly 80% of all children said that they fight with their brothers and sisters because of sharing!  (Duh!)  Dr. Kramer then studied 47 popular parenting manuals and found that all of them echoed the parental affection theory and did not take into account other issues.  Kramer believes that more emphasis should be placed on prosocial skill-building than on the psychology of the matter. 

Kramer also states that age spacing and gender are not a strong predictors of positive or negative sibling dynamics.  The one issue that she believes is a good predictor of how well two siblings will get along actually occurs beforethe birth of the second child, and that is the first child's relationship with his or her best friend!  Kids who had positive, reciprocal relationships with their friends were the ones who had good rapport with their siblings later on.  Kramer's belief is the opposite of what we tend to believe:  that siblings learn how to relate with each other and then move on to other social relationships.  Kramer believes that children learn with their friends first and then transfer those skills to their siblings.  Kramer stated that an especially telling  friendship factor that predicts better sibling social skills is the child's ability to engage in fantasy play with a friend.  She believes that children have to be emotionally connected to each other in order for fantasy play to be successful.  They have to articulate and negotiate in order to get the story right.  What better foundation for relating to their younger sibling later?

This is a subject that is just ripe for comments and further blogging, so jump in if you are so inclined!  I'll guarantee you right now that this is not the end of sibling posts!

Comments

[Chaussure Jordan]

All for one, one for all.*

[coach outlet stores]

Love it, love it, love it!*

[amy]

thats not all ture.

[bronwyn]

There's a lot to comment about. First, the Scottish researcher's comments, that siblings fight because they know the other sibling will always be there. I think that's a little deep thinking for a small child. I can't imagine my kids thinking, "I can treat you badly because you're not leaving." But, I can imagine my kids thinking, "I can treat you badly because I see you almost non-stop and it drives me crazy at times." I have the same affection for my husband, whom I adore. I love him more because I don't see him 24/7.
It was nice to see the opinion of Kramer. I certainly hope my kids good relationship will continue throughout their lives, and that these early interactions may produce a healthy closeness between my boys.
Lastly, the fantasy play being a good indicator of a positive relationship with a sibling. Today, we went to my uncle's house in Nevada City. The boys were playing in and around a gigantic cedar tree stump that had been hallowed out. G and S are sitting on the outside ring of it, talking. Suddenly, S starts to cry holding his hand. I'm up on the deck and begin to walk down toward the boys expecting some kind of violent behavior. Instead, when I asked what happend, G says, "S burned his hand on the fire." The imaginary fire at the bottom of the stump, the one they were warming their hands on. Ah, love it!